I truly think I’ve never been so exhausted in my life as I am after these past four months.
I’ve been living apart from my husband during work weeks while we transition from Houston to Dallas, forcing me into “single mom mode” with our infant daughter. Studying for the Professional Engineering exam took a huge toll on me considering the fact that the only math I’ve done the past 2 years has been calculating down payments for home loans. Mom and I embarked on a crazy journey to train for and ride the BP MS150 which nearly killed me this past weekend. (You try hauling yourself up a super steep hill with 15mph winds against you. Oh and training meant that Saturday mornings I was riding my bike instead of catching up with my husband who I hadn’t seen the past 5 days.) I dove straight into “just another kid with divorced parents” in the midst of the holidays and am still “not over it.” And last, but certainly not least, I’ve actually been working my real estate job somewhere in between all of that mess.
I’m not sure there’s ever been a time in my life where I’ve had so much going on at the same time.
In January, as this was all starting, I really felt like “I had it all.” I would finally be able to prove that I could be everything I needed to be – Super Mom, Wife, Engineer, Realtor, Cyclist, Maid, Cook, Friend, Daughter, Sister, Encourager, Listener – no matter what painful things I would have to endure as well. I could handle the temporary separation from my spouse and I didn’t need to get involved in my parent’s business. I just needed to focus on doing my own thing and accomplishing my own goals…. right?
Well, as I rode the last few hills into Austin this past weekend at the MS150, I started to cry a little. I wasn’t crying because I was excited to cross the finish line. I wasn’t crying because my hamstring felt like it was going to snap. I was crying because crossing that finish line meant that this season in my life was finally coming to an end.
PE Exam…. check
Weekly bike rides….. check
Putting our house on the market…. check
Settling into a new job….. check
Move to Dallas in sight…. check
What I didn’t realize is that in the midst of trying to accomplish so many things, I forgot how much I was aching inside. Trying to “have it all”, all by myself, was way too exhausting. The only way I made it through these past few months has been through consistent prayer and petition to a God who is much greater and stronger than me. Throughout my life there will always be something to worry about, always something to be upset about, and always something that can rob my joy. The only way to prevail is to have someone helping me through who will never fail me. And guess what? That person is not my husband, my parents, my friends, or even my dog. That person is Jesus.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave, nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
I heard a song on Air1 Radio the other day and I sobbed in my car listening to it. This song completely describes this season of my life. I may not be able to “Have it all” on my own, but I can sure try by keeping my eyes on the One who can give me everything I need.
“No matter what I have, your grace is enough. No matter where I am, I’m standing in your love. On the mountains I will bow my life to the one who set me there. In the valley I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there.”